When I feel anxious about my mortality I have a dream about an old fling.
It takes place in 1990. I am 16 yrs. old and Mormon living in a small town named Hurricane.
My old fling shows up and has turned away from the Mormon church (I am 16 but have my current ex-Mormon 30 year old mind).
We usually say the word fuck a lot but don't act on it.
I wake up strange.
Today I woke up and went outside to a big white blanket of fog.
The old fling connects to my old fling with Mormonism. Mormonism told me what to think.
It told me I had a ghost in my machine and I could create my own worlds as a future god (as god once was, man now is).
After many flings with various religions, I realized I had to be honest with myself.
I had to learn to live with uncertainty.
But I watched a strange movie called Mermaids last night and it made me realize my teenage years are gone. My closeness to my brother (we moved to America when he was 2. He was my only close friend for many years) only exists as memory.
Is memory good enough?
Is it better to keep moving? (moving is my constant after all. Moving both physical and intellectual).
How much should I indulge memory? Nostalgia? There's so much to live for today, but is it good to remember where I come from? My foundations?
Or should I constantly seek to subvert, reformulate, shift my foundations? Is a foundation a foundation?
Do I search for my biological father?
I am happy when I am in the present (a cliche by now I know).
But the past is always running in the background. The past contains many strands (or is it a worm?) and I have yet to find a utility.
Old flings, first loves, leave imprints I can't erase.