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a booming of voices

After leaving the Mormon church, I immersed myself in Buddhism and Eastern Spirituality. But it become a problem when I mixed it up with stoicism. From an early age I experienced emotions as negative. I did cry. But anything male was very negative. I was not what you might call handy. I had bushy blond hair and was very sensitive. Girls liked me, but mostly as friends.

I've hid away my aggression for a long time.

I thought aggression was part of the bombs. A bomb blew off a guys legs. He was in a blue van. His legs looked like a piece of carpet on the street. A bloody piece of carpet. He was screaming and it affected me quite a bit.

I value compassion, but in cutting off "negative emotions" I might limit my ability for compassion.

I think I might have been happier when I believed in a still small voice. Now I am painfully self-conscious.

I write for immersion. Not in the sense of mind-numbing. But to lose myself. I don't want self-expression. I want out of my self as much as possible. But I want awareness while out of my self.

I count my breaths but maybe it's time to try other types of meditation.

I am afraid if I let in too much emotion, I will break down and not recover. Sounds dramatic I know. But there's a lot lurking.
I would like to try some visualization. Maybe I'll look into that.

Nihilism has been too strong a feeling for the last four or five months.

There is so much suffering out there and in here.

Since the still small voice told me Mormonism was the one and only true church and I now believe it was all bullshit, I have a difficult time trusting instincts, emotions etc.

Poetry is the place where I go to let go of my self-consciousness.

The still small voice has become a booming of many voices.

Art is an emptying out.

Never mind the beasts


didi said…
I don't write anymore and I feel I am becoming bitter. I am not sure if I like myself better bitter or stupididly optimistic.

Anonymous said…
Give. Give. Give. In whatever way you can. And trash is trash. Take it out to the curb where it belongs.


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