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no more mr. lukewarm

I really feel alone right now. Lonely and sick of everything Korean. Not all Korean people of course. I have met some amazing Korean people. I am just feeling really isolated.

Why the hell am I putting this on a public space? I don't know but it makes me deal with whatever it is I am dealing with.

I feel a lot of anger but I don't know why or what I am angry about? I feel frustrated. Really frustrated. I am really tired of being timid and polite and nice. I think part of that feeling stems from my experience with Wonderland. It feels really cut-throat out here. One of the things I wanted to work on when I came to Korea was my lack of aggressiveness. I want to be much more assertive. Fuck getting walked on. Maybe I am finally getting the picture.

I almost feel like trying to be an asshole for a while. Or if not an asshole at least someone a little less senstive to every fucking thing around me. It gets really overwhelming. But damn it. I can't.

I feel like I have pushed away friends in the past not because I didn't value them but because I was scared of getting too close. There has only been two people I have fully trusted and let the walls down and that is my mother and Tiffany. I've had a lot of good friends. I miss so many of them right now. Damn this lonliness.

After moving around constantly and really adapting to three different cultures (Northern Ireland, England, and then America) I have learned to have a threshhold in terms of getting close to people. I have a difficult time letting people all the way in. I mean they all disappear so fast anyway. Everything was in a violent flux. Writing helps me get a bit of order to all the shit bouncing in my head.

I don't know what's on the other side of this emotional state but I don't want to ignore it. This is all confessional bullshit. Not very intelligent or theoretical.

Which reminds me of my main obsession: writing. It's been over two months since I really wrote. I was just going through the motions writing about my environment. Today was the first day where it all really exploded. So I have gone inside myself again. Korea has been so hectic and everything was directed outward. Meeting new people, going out to dinner at night etc.

Now I am eating alone every night and except for the few hours during class everything is very silent. I don't really know anyone in this new area. The goshiwon is very quiet and no one speaks English. So far the week has gone like this:

I wake up go to the corner store and eat some seaweed and rice. Then I ride a packed bus full of Korean children, moms, business men, and some university students. When I get to the university, I go inside my huge office. I sit. I go teach. I return to my office. I sit and write. It feels really good to have some really quiet time to think. Then I teach some more. Around 12PM I ask the English department secretary to order me some noodles or rice of some kind. I eat. Teach a little more. Then I feel like I need to get out of there so I ride the bus back to Bomgae and go sit in my goshiwon. Walk around outside and then grab a sandwitch and come home. The television really bores me (I have a tiny one in my room).

Now this is all well and good. I couldn't have asked for a better job. I really have time to write now. The students are really wonderful. But the trade-off is I am hardly interacting socially at all. I think this will change over time. Perhaps it's a matter of getting comfortable in the isolation and then going nuts on the weekends.

Outside my window I can hear car horns and cheesy Korean music. I really need some of these pathetic emotions to stir me up. Flip on the all-or-nothing switch. I've been lukewarm just trying to hang in there.

Now I want to turn it on. I need the full load or nothing at all. I've been holding back on my writing and my emotional state. I guess I am just ready to go full tilt again. There really is no other choice.

Comments

JWG said…
Korea can get to feeling that way. You ever want to meet up, just let me know.
postpran said…
yes, it would be great to meet up. I think I will be going to Japan this weekend to get my new visa. But if you are free maybe we can meet up the following weekend and you can give me some insider tips over a few pints.
JWG said…
perfect, few tips besides pints, but those go a long way.

I have 2.5 weeks of vacation starting this fri, so anytime you got time,i got time
Flo said…
postpran this is how life is for everyone at a growing stage you are going somewhere in life.Let the Spirit guide you

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