no more mr. lukewarm

I really feel alone right now. Lonely and sick of everything Korean. Not all Korean people of course. I have met some amazing Korean people. I am just feeling really isolated.

Why the hell am I putting this on a public space? I don't know but it makes me deal with whatever it is I am dealing with.

I feel a lot of anger but I don't know why or what I am angry about? I feel frustrated. Really frustrated. I am really tired of being timid and polite and nice. I think part of that feeling stems from my experience with Wonderland. It feels really cut-throat out here. One of the things I wanted to work on when I came to Korea was my lack of aggressiveness. I want to be much more assertive. Fuck getting walked on. Maybe I am finally getting the picture.

I almost feel like trying to be an asshole for a while. Or if not an asshole at least someone a little less senstive to every fucking thing around me. It gets really overwhelming. But damn it. I can't.

I feel like I have pushed away friends in the past not because I didn't value them but because I was scared of getting too close. There has only been two people I have fully trusted and let the walls down and that is my mother and Tiffany. I've had a lot of good friends. I miss so many of them right now. Damn this lonliness.

After moving around constantly and really adapting to three different cultures (Northern Ireland, England, and then America) I have learned to have a threshhold in terms of getting close to people. I have a difficult time letting people all the way in. I mean they all disappear so fast anyway. Everything was in a violent flux. Writing helps me get a bit of order to all the shit bouncing in my head.

I don't know what's on the other side of this emotional state but I don't want to ignore it. This is all confessional bullshit. Not very intelligent or theoretical.

Which reminds me of my main obsession: writing. It's been over two months since I really wrote. I was just going through the motions writing about my environment. Today was the first day where it all really exploded. So I have gone inside myself again. Korea has been so hectic and everything was directed outward. Meeting new people, going out to dinner at night etc.

Now I am eating alone every night and except for the few hours during class everything is very silent. I don't really know anyone in this new area. The goshiwon is very quiet and no one speaks English. So far the week has gone like this:

I wake up go to the corner store and eat some seaweed and rice. Then I ride a packed bus full of Korean children, moms, business men, and some university students. When I get to the university, I go inside my huge office. I sit. I go teach. I return to my office. I sit and write. It feels really good to have some really quiet time to think. Then I teach some more. Around 12PM I ask the English department secretary to order me some noodles or rice of some kind. I eat. Teach a little more. Then I feel like I need to get out of there so I ride the bus back to Bomgae and go sit in my goshiwon. Walk around outside and then grab a sandwitch and come home. The television really bores me (I have a tiny one in my room).

Now this is all well and good. I couldn't have asked for a better job. I really have time to write now. The students are really wonderful. But the trade-off is I am hardly interacting socially at all. I think this will change over time. Perhaps it's a matter of getting comfortable in the isolation and then going nuts on the weekends.

Outside my window I can hear car horns and cheesy Korean music. I really need some of these pathetic emotions to stir me up. Flip on the all-or-nothing switch. I've been lukewarm just trying to hang in there.

Now I want to turn it on. I need the full load or nothing at all. I've been holding back on my writing and my emotional state. I guess I am just ready to go full tilt again. There really is no other choice.