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I am using my moleskin again and it feels good. I find it difficult to write when I can't settle my mind about the future. I applied to a lot of independent schools in the U.S., but then I realized it is going to very difficult. Logistics wise it is hard to survive in America without a car. Even if I were offered an interview I would have to fly from Poland with all of my belongings and then try and take a bus to the school campus. Not impossible I guess. I will wait and see what happens. As long as I am creating potential opportunities I feel better.

I don't think I want to teach in a boarding school though. I would like some privacy.

There is also Taiwan. My close cousin is in Taiwan and I could make a comfortable living for a while.

My dreams have been very intense lately. Lots of head cutting and decapitations. A Russian spy was sent to kill me because I was dating a Polish woman.

I am leaving for Prague tomorrow to see an old friend. We went to university together at Weber State and spent New Years together in Slovakia. It will be nice to lighten my head a bit with some nice green, homemade Mexican food, and beer. I just have to survive the midnight train from Katowice, which is notorious for thieves. I think I will change my ticket to a sleeping car so maybe I can lock the door.

I can't help wishing I were ten years younger with my whole life ahead of me. I feel so old lately. But I am only 32. My life experiences make me feel old. Northern Ireland and a forced move to England at the age of seven. A change of accent and a confused identity. Then America and a third change in accent/identity. Still, I wrote my goals all over my wall. I looked to the future as my savior. Now the future is here and I have made a lot of mistakes.

Today I don't have a headache and I can think. It is nice to think. I've got to let go of so much. Letting go is a relief but also a continual exercise in futility.

I remember the excitement of attending honours classes at Weber State. So many new areas to explore. Here I am in central Europe and I can't seem to find the spark. The spark comes now and again but I can't seem to get fully lit. I need a healthy dose of challenge and a slight feeling of settlement. I should stay in Poland until June. I am finally getting a little settled. It would be nice to feel a little settled for seven months.

What is settled? Maybe enough routine to ground me. Enough comfortableness to move out of survival mode.

I ache for a companion. A cliché I know. Someone who can share in my passion for poetry, art, music etc.

I need my mind.

I also need my body of course.

Comments

she said…
I like when you smile Marcus...

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Maurice Scully, The Basic Colours. Durham, UK: Pig Press, 1994.
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