What does it mean to deal with something? Another 20 min of breaking down after seeing more pictures of Aaron and Shantell when they were little. Remembering those times. Feeling the pain of not being able to protect. The pain of not being an older brother. Aaron was so sensitive as a kid. Aaron and Shantell so close in age. Playing together. So much chaos but also hope as poor immigrants in the United States in the 1980's in Las Vegas. Feeling lots of alienation. Lots.
My family struggling to survive and not being able to help them. Not being able to rescue. Praying for hours to help my family. Money from heaven etc. etc. Always seemingly on the verge of losing everything. And then later after god no longer made sense in a traditional sense moving away from my family. Trying to find a path.
I guess some of this pain is coming from clinging to the past. Not fully accepting change. Aaron was no longer that little boy that I remember growing up.
Does something remain of our past? Traces?
Time ticks louder and louder.
Giving up attachment to life is hard. It feels abstract.
Fear seems to be the root cause of all suffering.
How to not fear change? Being stoic is a denial. Repressing feelings is a denial. Neither has anything to do with the practical Zen Buddhism that makes sense to me.
There are plenty of tears. What is salvation? How do we work it out?
What isn't spiritual? (like art it depends on the framing/the mind/the engagement of the person seeing).
There is no real separation between the spiritual and the mundane. The everyday and the sublime.
This morning comes in waves. Anyone that has experienced this kind of extreme loss knows about the waves.
There is no coming out of the other side. It's the same side. There is only the practice of seeing things as they really are.