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What's out there

(first take, draft, whatever . .)




It’s one day
from new years.
We are getting
to the end
of 2013 and everyone
is making lists.
I haven’t made a list.
If I made a list
it would be a list
of books I loved,
or books I still haven’t
read, but really
I’m thinking about
what is still out there,
meaning in here.
I want to get less
itchy and more artsy.
It is raining and there
is nothing I can do
about it.
The trees are dripping
and the wind is blowing.
Welcome back to London.
Where do I want to go?
I want to go to Amsterdam.
And maybe Berlin.
I want to wear loose fitting
clothing and ride a bicycle
down the street, maybe
pick up an organic orange
from some organic
farmer’s market
where everyone knows
my name.
It ain’t gonna happen.
What is the difference
between escape
and entering?
What am I entering into
or out of
when I escape on my bicycle?
I want to travel to get out
of my mind.
I slept late in Poland
and now here I am
back in London
waking up at 6 AM.
I wake up in London
and my mind immediately
turn to things I could buy:
a new laptop, a special
massage machine.
It ends quickly. I run out
of things to buy.
I think my mind goes
there to rescue me,
but from what?
My mind needs
somewhere to go.
I’ve got to put it back
into my body
and then into the body
of the world.
I think I need both.
I have to think of things
to buy and check them
off one by one
by deciding I don’t
want them.
That’s one way to go.
Do I need a bicycle?
I need a bicycle to pedal
metaphors.
Then I can chuck it
in the ditch
and hitch a ride
on some other
contraption.
I want to get
more and more
out of my ego.
What is the energy
that comes from getting
rid of money?
Maybe I want to feel
part of the human race
with everyone else,
buying. What can I
buy today?
I wanna ride waves
of compassion.
I wanna see the world
more clearly.
I want to walk
more mindfully.
My green tea is boiling
and I am listening
to a daily meditation
by Lama Kunga Rinpoche
on supreme wisdom
and compassion.  
Is it working?
What does it mean
to cross over an ocean
of suffering?
My life is an ocean
and I am crossing
and crossing.
I have crossed
many times
and I wake
up dining
on anxiety.
I run around in the morning
trying to distract myself
or trying to fill up
so I can get empty
again.
Here comes the wind.
The trees are really
shaking now
and the windows
are rattling.
I need to go
out there
and buy toilet paper
and soap.
Maybe something
to wipe down
this computer
screen. To touch
the heart of all
sentient beings
suffering
in all these
realms of samsara.
Samsara is beautiful.
Samsara us ugly.
What difference
does it make?
I am trying to write
myself
out of myself
and into another
awakeness.
I buy books to become
other people.
I am here now
at the kitchen
table, listening
to the boiler click
on and click off,
and the wind
blowing
and blowing
the trees.
Only a small
part of my mind
knows it is 2013.
Only a small part
of my mind
knows my name
is Marcus. I want
to get to the larger
part of my brain.
I am turning
the wheel
of the dharma.
It is an end of year
sale and a beginning
of day list.
What does buying
mean?
It means what
you want it
to mean.
But be honest.
Buy safely.
You cannot
buy safety.
What am I going
to consume
with my mind
today?
Dharma
and gold almonds,
a path
of wisdom.
I need to see
more clearly.
May all beings
be happy.





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